With a looming food crisis, Americans are looking for alternative sources of nutrition. Fortunately, a few creative enterprises have taken it upon themselves to find solutions, the most notable being tapping into America’s abundant population of “undesirables.”
Leading the charge is the recently re-branded KFH (Kentucky Fried Hipster). “Hipsters are actually a surprisingly accessible source of lean protein. Though much maligned in some circles, hipsterism’s coming in vogue of late has massively grown the existing population of hipsters” Jim Caroosh, VP of marketing, told reporters at a recent news conference.
Caroosh also said that “what’s great about this is that we can tie the shift in with our health-conscious initiative, since most of these hipsters were either very health-conscious or too poor to eat junk anyway. Furthermore, with proper breeding facilities and procedures, we feel that we’ll be able to maintain a strong position as a global quick-serve food distributor.” While some activists are complaining about the conditions that both free-range and farm-raised hipsters may soon endure, many hipsters recognize that it will still be a step up from the squalor they would otherwise have faced.
A representative from the United States Board of Commerce has suggested that this shift could provide much-needed stability for commodities markets specializing in hoodies, skinny jeans, lumberjack shirt, fixie-bikes and indie record labels.
Other firms are advertising the use of alternative food sources. McDonalds has begun to make their burgers out of recycled tires, Manchu Wok will replace all current protein sources with scorpions and Taco Bell has announced that it will continue its longstanding history of serving a “meat-like substitute.”